Putin (in Russian): Barry, what can I do?
Putin’s translator (in English): The president of Russia sends his noblest respects and sentiments to his American counterpart.
Obama (in English): This bullshit of yours — Crimea, the Ukraine — couldn’t come at a worse time for me. It is so nineteenth-century.
Obama’s translator (in Russian): President Obama is very pleased to have a constructive dialogue with you on matters of mutual concern to our great nations.
Putin (in Russian): You have some fucken nerve dictating to me about troop movements considering how many boots you put on the ground in Iraq and Afghanistan and they aren’t anywhere near your goddamn borders.
Obama’s translator (in English): All right. This one time I’ll let you ask me about my affairs.
Obama (in English): I’m willing to overlook a lot. Like the death of —- [name redacted for security reasons]. When he turned up dead, I let it go. And I said to myself, this is the business we’ve chosen; I didn’t ask who gave the order, because it had nothing to do with business.
Putin’s translator (in Russian): He say: If anything in this life is certain, if history has taught us anything, it is that you can kill anyone.
Putin (in Russian): I don’t feel I have to wipe out everybody. Just my enemies.
Obama’s translator (in English): That ain’t the way I wanted it! I can handle things! I’m smart! Not dumb like everybody says! I’m smart and I want respect!
Obama (in English): We’re both part of the same hypocrisy, Mr Putin, but never think it applies to my family.
Putin’s translator (in Russian): He says he has been reading Anna Karenina with great admiration.
Putin (in Russian): I’ll change…I’ll change. I’ve learned that I have the strength to change.
Obama’s translator (n English): He tell anecdote from Gogol’s boyhood: Every time he put his line in the water he say a Hail Mary, and every time he say a Hail Mary he catch a fish.
Obama (in English): Tell him I don’t like violence. I’m a businessman; blood is a big expense.
Putin’s translator (in Russian): He say he no want anything to happen to you while his mother is alive.
Putin (in Russian): I got a business to run. I gotta kick asses sometimes to make it run right. We had a little argument, Freddy and me, so I had to straighten him out.
Obama’s translator (in English): There are negotiations being made that are going to answer all of your questions and solve all of your problems. That’s all I can tell you right now.
Obama (in English): Tell him he can do me a solid.
Obama’s translator (in Russian): President Obama asks his counterpart whether he is ready to use all his powers and all his skills do him the service that he promised.
Putin’s translator (in Russian): He don’t want his mother to see him that way.
Putin (in Russian): I put a special tape on the trigger and the butt and I left it noisy. That way it scares any pain-in-the-ass innocent bystanders away.
Putin’s translator (in English): You got everything you need? The chef cooked for you special, the dancers will kick your tongue out and your credit is good. Draw chips for everyone in the room so they can play on the house.
Obama (in English): You can sign up for Obamacare.
Putin (in Russian): Tell your boss he can ask for anything else, but this is one favour I can’t grant him.
Putin’s translator (in English): Only if I can keep my own doctor!
— David Lehman
from the archive; first posted March 30, 2014
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Author: The Best American Poetry
