Possibly I am the only four-time contributor to BAP who was also the head coach of a high school football team, as I was for two years in the early ’70s. Coaching the team was one of the most important experiences of my life, and also one of the riskiest. If we had not won more games than we lost I would have suffered a deep and permanent “narcissistic blow.” It was a kind of atavistic experience without the sensitivities that were just starting to emerge fifty years ago. There was blood, sweat, and tears, and lots of laughs also.
Walter Behrns, who’s on the far left in the picture, was my assistant coach but as the athletic director of the school he was also my boss. However, Wally saw himself as a “baseball man” rather than a “football man” so I made all the decisions about our offense and defense, the starting lineups, the practice schedules, and the rest of it. Wally was like a Leopold Bloom for me when we drove around the Northwest Side scouting teams or visited the homes of Chicago policemen to recruit players. Unfortunately, like some of the young men in the picture, Wally Behrns is no longer with us. He was the most gifted funny person I’ve known. He beat Kenneth Koch by a field goal.
I’ve tried writing some sonnets about coaching….
As a math teacher and head coach of
My school’s football team I try to combine
My love of math with my love of football
So kids learn something in the classroom
That they can also use on the football field;
Playing against a kid with 100 percent of
Football ability, what will happen if you
Play at 110 percent of your ability and
The other kid plays at only 75 percent?
This is a good example of how to mix
Mathematics and football in the classroom.
Must not jollify when things are going well
Nor can gloom-pussing be allowed when
Inevitable interceptions, injuries, fumbles,
And errant bounces of the football occur;
In times of adversity a coach can mutter
“Fuck” under his breath or “fuck me” but
nothing more. Weeb Ewbank, Lombardi,
Some of the other greats carried tightly
Like symphony orchestra conductors but
Toscanini or wave a program like Hank Stram
Who pioneered weightlifting with the Chiefs.
When we scouted a future opponent
We identified that team’s best player
And in our weekly meetings on Mondays
We referred to him as the Big Stud or
One on offense and one on defense
Or there might even be no Big Studs
In the true meaning of the term if
The opposing team was very weak
But we still referred to their best player
As the Big Stud even though ironically
Or with a comic superciliousness
That caused our players to smile
Through swollen ankles or stiff necks.
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Author: Mitch Sisskind
