Got rid of my porn addiction. I used to be extremely suicidal and if you feel the same and think porn is the only way you can be happy. Read this.

I am a little shit at English. So, I started seeing ads on normal games which were inappropriate. I was porn addicted when i was only 13–14. The ads made me curious. I started getting addicted to this “whatever” i called it and it was due to inappropriate pop-ups on different websites. I went into a rabbit hole of porn. So many different categories. I was flabbergasted. I used to watch on my sister’s dog shit old phone and my dad used to check it often. I quit after a few years, but it came back way worse during lockdown. My dad lost his job. I felt lonely, suicidal and depressed. Horrified as to how i will feed myself and my parents after i get a job. If the job doesn’t pay much. You know people smoke to relieve stress. Or even drink. I obviously couldn’t i was really young at 16. My dad had anger issues so i kept having heated arguments with him. Video games used to make me happy but frustrated at the same time. I started getting bad symptoms of heart issues. I didn’t know what it was at the time. I used to cry and get lonely or extremely scared. Porn was the only way i could have pleasure of some sort. I had stopped already tho. Why again? Well i had a friend. His an artist. I don’t really blame him for this cos he wasn’t addicted. I think atleast. He started sending me hentai arts. I started smiling again. After so long. I got addicted. Again. This time still similar categories like when i was way younger but i got a really bad habit of “saving” it. Like a Spotify playlist that would relieve my suicidal stress. I don’t know why, but i used to save it. My parents used to talk about checking my phone sometimes. I got scared and uploaded them to what i call as a “cloud drive”. It did the job. I could be happy in a depressing world. It obviously became a hobby cos i had nothing else to do. I was learning different things like DIY lockbox or anything just to make me smile. Everybody of my age was trying to do something cos they were locked in there home. I was just trying to smile to relieve my stress of my symptoms, my parents arguing all the time. Everything. I kept getting more and more depressed. I was wondering why? Its not working? I get happy while i watch and do “the thing”. And after that… i feel horrible. Way worse than i had already been feeling. This dragged me for 3 years. 3 YEARS!!!! wtf is wrong with me. My heart symptoms got gradually worse throughout those three years. In those three years I went to so many different doctors. Majority of them said you have “anxiety” and prescribed me several meds that never worked. My parents started calling me words. They were so sure i was going insane and maybe i was. Cos i everyone was calling me words now. I grew my hair which kinda made it worse for my personality. The addiction was always there but it was back. Way worse. Lockdown was obviously not there anymore i think its 2022–23, but i was scared to go outside my room now. I somehow managed to meet a really good cardiologist who suspected a extremely rare genetic heart issue but didn’t confirm it first and gave me meds that actually calmed my heart for a good year. An year later recently it was confirmed and now I can’t play sports or even video games. So porn again? My dumb young brain doesn’t recognise i am being used by this evil industry that uses vulnerable people like me as there audience. My source of happiness was still porn. I don’t know how it was still my source of happiness even tho i have friends now. I felt like porn was ruining my life. And it was, but i still couldn’t stop it. Fast forward recently, addiction is still there. Until. My friend who has more fucking brains then my dumbass. Randomly msged me that he was quitting porn due to recent porn of celebrities being a massive issue that for some reason for a long time whenever i saw them on random websites i was like “well they’re celebrities, I don’t think they care” but they do. He sent me videos of few twitch streamers talking about this entire situation. I watched it. I first felt like maybe it was for clout but no it wasn’t. I felt horrified and horrible. I told him i felt neutral about it still. He was like okay and then he sent me this video of a youtuber who explained porn industry and i was like omg this is so fucked up. I immediately went to my “cloud save” and started deleting everything with pure disgust. The deletes reached its limit otherwise i would’ve removed it all at once. I was so disgusted. I felt used. Like a fucking toy. I was angry and disappointed in myself. Why? Cos i am 19. I am supposed to be all smart and adult now, but i do have learning problems. I was always a little slow, but i did learn. A valuable lesson. That needs to be said to everyone in schools and colleges so dudes of my age avoid getting addicted like this. I was a really young boy and i still am. I am gen z you know how edgy we are in terms of humour. But i was never like one of those boys. The ones who made huge groups and stuff. I was always alone. Maybe that was the problem? I learned that i need to be with people more. Care for family. Have a really cute pets. Even help others. World’s a beautiful place with bad people, its never hard to be better.