The Surprising Psychology Behind Why You Keep Draining Energy on People Who Don’t Value You—And How to Stop Now
Have you ever found yourself overextending your time, emotional capacity, and even financial resources on individuals who rarely reciprocate or even acknowledge your efforts?
I’ve seen this scenario countless times in my work—people who pour their heart into relationships that leave them feeling unappreciated and drained. It happens far more often than most of us would like to admit.
And while we might tell ourselves that being selfless is a virtue, there’s a considerable difference between kindness and self-sacrifice. People who truly care about you won’t let you burn out for their sake.
So how can you tell if you’ve crossed that line? Let’s explore seven revealing signs, drawn from my counseling experience and psychological insights, that indicate you’re giving too much of yourself to individuals who don’t truly cherish what you bring to the table.
1. You feel emotionally drained after every interaction
One of the clearest signs that you’re putting in too much effort with people who don’t value you is the mental and emotional hangover you get once you part ways with them.
Think about it: do you often feel anxious, exhausted, or upset after speaking or spending time with certain folks? There’s a good chance you’re investing energy you don’t have.
The pros over at Verywell Mind have explained how codependency can lead us to prioritize someone else’s wants and needs over our own well-being.
Of course, not all draining relationships are strictly codependent, but the dynamic is strikingly similar: we end up giving a disproportionate amount while expecting very little—or nothing—in return.
A personal anecdote: I remember working with a client who kept returning to a “friendship” that was more like a one-sided therapy session. She’d listen for hours to her friend’s complaints, help with life dramas, and drop everything at a moment’s notice. Yet when she needed support, her calls went unanswered. Emotional exhaustion soon became her norm, and it wasn’t until she took a step back to prioritize herself that she realized how one-sided that connection truly was.
2. You constantly seek their validation
Another telltale sign is the inner craving for acknowledgment that never arrives. It’s like a longing that sits in the pit of your stomach, whispering, “If they truly appreciate me, they’ll text me back faster,” or “They’ll invite me first to that big event.” But as time goes on, you learn they rarely go out of their way to make you feel valued.
Michelle Obama said it best: “We need to do a better job of putting ourselves higher on our own ‘to-do’ list.” When you hinge your self-worth on another person’s approval, you risk forgetting that you’re worthy of love and attention, no matter what anyone else thinks.
Unfortunately, those who don’t genuinely appreciate you will sense your hunger for validation and may use it to keep you dangling, whether intentionally or not.
In my own life, I’ve had relationships where I kept measuring my worth against how quickly someone responded to my messages or how frequently they invited me to hang out. It was a lose-lose situation for me, because the more I sought validation, the less they seemed willing to give it.
That constant state of anxiety is a draining place to live and is usually a big red flag that you’re overinvesting in a person who doesn’t reciprocate.
3. They only reach out when they need something
Let’s face it: we all have that one person who seems to pop up only when they’re in a pinch. They might be short on cash, need a ride, or want someone to cheer them on at a big event—yet they rarely show up for you. It’s like you exist in their phone only as a resource or a backup plan.
The folks at Psychology Today stand behind the idea that healthy relationships feature a balance of giving and receiving. But if you notice that you’re on the giving end 90% of the time and the other person only contacts you when there’s something in it for them, that’s a clear indicator this relationship is not built on mutual respect.
Sometimes, clients in my counseling sessions will say, “But I enjoy helping them—I just wish they’d see me for who I am rather than what I do.” It’s wonderful to enjoy being supportive, but healthy relationships flourish when both sides are invested.
