The Surprising Psychology Behind Why You Keep Draining Energy on People Who Don’t Value You—And How to Stop Now
If you’re the one consistently providing support without receiving genuine care in return, it’s time to reassess how much of yourself you’re offering.
4. You ignore your boundaries to please them
Healthy boundaries are crucial, friends. When we throw them out the window for certain people, it’s like hanging a neon sign that says, “Take as much as you want.”
If you frequently find yourself saying “yes” when you want to say “no,” or adjusting your plans to accommodate someone else (who never does the same for you), that’s a glaring signal.
The team at Choosing Therapy highlighted that boundaries are guidelines for how we want to be treated and what we can accept. Boundaries aren’t about punishing others; they’re about protecting ourselves.
So when you relinquish these safeguards in exchange for someone’s fleeting acceptance or a moment of approval, you’re essentially saying your well-being is secondary to their comfort. And believe me, that’s a slippery slope.
I’ve worked with people who felt guilty about setting the smallest boundary—like declining a call when they were busy or saying they couldn’t lend money yet again. The fear of losing that relationship took precedence over their own sense of peace. Unfortunately, that often leads to chronic anxiety and resentment.
5. They show little or no interest in your life
If the people you’re investing in rarely ask how you’re doing—or glaze over your replies when you do share—then you might be dealing with a decidedly one-sided dynamic. It’s easy to brush this off and think, “Oh, maybe they’re just busy,” or “They’re not the talkative type.”
But pay attention to the pattern: do they ever follow up about that tough day you mentioned? Are they genuinely curious about your wins and struggles?
Brené Brown once said, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” If someone repeatedly shows no interest in who you are, there comes a point when you have to love yourself enough to ask: “Why am I still trying so hard?”
There’s a big difference between being supportive of someone’s life and being treated like your own story doesn’t matter.
Occasionally, I’ve asked clients to do a simple experiment: refrain from bringing up your issues and see if the other person inquires. If three or four weeks go by and the other person still hasn’t asked you a single question about your life, that’s a sign.
It’s not absolute proof of anything sinister, but it does suggest there’s a major imbalance at play.
6. You find yourself feeling resentful
Resentment is often the byproduct of unmet expectations. This negative emotion builds up gradually when we keep giving and hope—sometimes subconsciously—that we’ll receive something meaningful in return.
When that expectation consistently goes unfulfilled, resentment can kick in. Suddenly, you’re snapping at people or complaining about them to anyone who’ll listen, and you might not even realize why you’re so worked up.
From a psychological standpoint, resentment can also be a protective shield for deeper feelings like hurt or sadness. It’s easier to say “I can’t stand them” than to admit “I feel insignificant.”
If you catch yourself festering with bitterness toward someone you’re supposed to care about, it might be time to re-evaluate whether you’re giving too much of yourself. After all, genuine caring relationships don’t typically leave us feeling hollow or angry.
In my practice, I often emphasize how crucial it is to speak up before resentment turns into open hostility. Clear communication, either by expressing your needs or by setting limits on what you’re willing to do, can nip resentment in the bud. But it does require a willingness to be honest, both with yourself and the other person.
7. You keep second-guessing your worth
I’ve saved a big one until last, friends. When you consistently invest your time and energy in people who don’t value you, it can start to chip away at your self-esteem.
Over time, the repeated dismissal of your feelings and needs may leave you questioning whether you’re inherently unlovable or inadequate. This self-doubt can then spiral into codependency or a fear of abandonment, which only perpetuates the cycle.
Maya Angelou captured the essence of this perfectly when she stated, “Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.” It’s easy to slip into that mindset of “maybe if I try a little harder, they’ll finally see my worth.”
But your worth doesn’t need to be proven to anyone who refuses to acknowledge it. And while compromise and patience are vital in any relationship, your sense of self should never be on the bargaining table.
You might have read my post on overcoming codependency (in which I touched on how our past experiences shape our capacity to advocate for ourselves). If you find yourself stuck in this pattern, remember that relationships should build you up, not tear you down.
Seeking therapy or counseling can be a game-changer. It can help you identify the root of your insecurities and guide you in setting healthier boundaries moving forward.
Final thoughts
Learning to recognize when you’re overinvesting in relationships is a key step toward breaking destructive cycles. Contrary to popular belief, putting yourself first isn’t an act of selfishness—it’s an act of self-preservation.
You deserve relationships where you’re valued and respected, and sometimes that starts by giving yourself the approval you’ve been seeking elsewhere.
As a relationship counselor, I’ve witnessed clients transform their lives by letting go of relationships that drain them. These individuals opened up more space for healthier bonds—ones that provided mutual joy, support, and growth.
If any of these seven signs hit close to home, I urge you to take a moment to reflect on what you truly deserve from the people you invest in.
Signing off.
