The Surprising Truth About Writing Struggles When You’re a Parent—And Why It’s Not Your Fault

As a writer(?) who didn’t write for eight years after I got pregnant, I recently got sucked in by the very clickbait-y headline “Being a Writer Shouldn’t Require Me to Exist Without My Children” on Electric Lit. “Yeah!” a righteous part of me shouted in agreement, even though the practical side of me was hemming, “Well…”

Luckily, it was a bait-and-switch, and I was instead treated to the much more nuanced (and better titled) essay “Seven Words About Lemons” by Meg Leonard. In it, yes, she says that “being a writer shouldn’t require me to exist without my children,” but she also says:

I hate it when writers, mothers, say they need time alone to write. I also need time alone to write. If I admit I need time alone to write, I might then be forced to admit I can’t write, because I am hardly ever alone — certainly not in the long, deep silence, room-for-leisurely-concentration sort of way.

In other words, it shouldn’t be an either-or choice, kids or creativity. Yet, it is. A choice like this must also be made by any artist taking on the brunt of childcare, or dealing with health issues, or caring for aging parents, suffering from heartbreak or grief, or hustling to pay their bills, or any of the other things that burn all the oxygen right out of your brain.

And we can go on a righteous tangent here about the patriarchy/unregulated capitalism/etc., but the truth is, even if we waved a magic wand and filled the world with equitable kumbayahs, kids can still get in the way of artistic expression.

For example, when I was pregnant I vomited constantly, for months in a row. Then, when I got past that, neither of my babies took bottles. So, short a medical miracle and an actual wet nurse, there was no way for me to get uninterrupted blocks of focus, no matter how supportive my environment happened to be. Writing can simply be impossible. Because of your kids.

Leonard knows this is true. Yet she argues that, to survive, you must also convince yourself that it is not true. She says:

If I let myself entertain these thoughts, if I let myself believe that writers need time and mothers need time, I will…