To get to the bottom of why people commit infidelity, one curious Reddit user asked men who have cheated to share their reasoning. Hundreds of men weighed in with brutally honest answers, so below, you can find some insight into what makes a cheater.

#1

It’s very addictive being wanted. Especially if you aren’t often. The shame makes it worse strangely enough. You can’t really talk to anyone about being tempted or even crossing the line. There’s no support system from your friends or family that tell you you’re an idiot. And being addicted it’s very thought telling yourself.

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#2

We were fighting a lot and I thought the relationship was gonna end inevitably regardless of whether or not I cheated. So the opportunity came up on its own and I took it, zero hesitation.

I didn’t know cheating would kill any small possibility of us getting better and growing together. By cheating, I essentially admitted through my actions that I had no respect for her. We tried to patch things up and make it work afterwards, but it couldn’t work because I’ve already proven to her and myself that I’m not gonna be faithful when times get tough. I wasn’t loyal or committed to anyone but myself.

Since then I’ve had to really be honest with myself and learn how immature, irresponsible and disgusting that was for me to do. It’s easily my biggest regret in life. I lost a really good girl who was smart, beautiful, funny and caring, all because I wanted a quick nut. I think she easily could’ve been the one if I just put in the effort to make things work. But I didn’t, and I lost her and now she’s gone forever. And if God ever gives me a second chance at love, I’ll never make the same mistake.

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To learn more about how this conversation started in the first place, we reached out to Reddit user Aggravating-Angel217, who posed the question, “Men that have cheated, why did you do it?” Lucky for us, the OP was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda and explain what inspired her to spark this discussion. “Personally, I’ve never cheated, but I’ve been cheated on in every relationship,” she shared.

“I feel as though people that get cheated on never truly have an answer as to why it happened: was it something we did, were our partners not satisfied with us, are we lacking something, ect.,” she explained. “So I was looking to see if anyone had a reason they were willing to share behind the anonymity of a screen name.”

#3

Because I was trying to find value and my self-worth in sleeping with women. Growing up, I was far from being a ladies’ man. In college, I worked on myself to improve my self-confidence as all my life I had been longing to have someone who liked me back. All I ever wanted was to have a girlfriend. As my self-esteem grew, so did my luck with the ladies.

Eventually, I was able to get a girlfriend, someone who was good to me, but I wasn’t satisfied. I continued to look for validation from other women, which turned into cheating on her. I thought that I had discovered self-confidence because I could be more social and was more outgoing, but I realized that on the inside, I was still insecure.

Growing up in my family, there were no good examples of healthy relationships either. All my uncles were womanizers. This probably had an impact on me as well.

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#4

I’ll step up and answer honestly. I was too afraid of hurting my then-girlfriend’s feelings to break up with her, so I cheated. It seemed to justify the behavior in my brain. I realized I was so unhappy with this woman, it drove me to cheat. At times i thought I was going crazy.. it doesn’t justify it but it was me “acting out”.. I eventually dumped her when I couldn’t stand her behavior anymore and yet still felt guilty

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We were also curious what the OP’s thoughts were on the responses to her post. “I mean, half the answers were a joke, which was fine as it kind of cheered me up from my depressed state after finding out I had once again been cheated on, but it also made me feel better knowing some people did have regrets and wished they had gone about things differently,” she shared.

#5

There was no love in the relationship, we were essentially cohabiting and passively hated eachother, but neither of us could afford to move out, and moving in with family wasn’t an option, so when I got the chance to actually feel something and had an opportunity with someone that did want me, I obviously took it, wasn’t like she wasn’t doing s**t behind my back while I was at work, or like she moved in with the first guy that offered.

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#6

I think for me it boiled down to being checked out emotionally but without the spine or backbone to end it

The general excuse I used to make myself feel better about the s****y actions were we weren’t compatible anyway.

But that had nothing to do with the damage I caused to the heart. I’m a little more remorseful and try to be considerate these days but I fully expect karma to come throw the egg on my face some day.

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We also asked Aggravating-Angel217 if she thinks cheating must always signify the end of a relationship, or if there are times when couples can work through it. “I feel as though cheating should mean an end to a relationship because your partner was out seeking others after they made a commitment,” she noted. “However, I went and did the opposite of my opinion and stayed with my partner because well… Sometimes love makes you blind to the red flags.”

#7

My bf of 10 years cheated, the excuse……it’s my fault. I have terminal cancer and it’s my fault. He didn’t ask to have a gf with cancer, so…….I am leaving and living what’s left of my life without his lieing, cheating, alcoholic a*s! They broke the mold when they made him….he’s a real winner!

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#8

I had the mentality that if she were to cheat on me at least I cheated on her too. I cheated on all my exs, I didn’t genuinely love them I was young and heartless. Older now I’ve come to realize I was wrong and people don’t deserve it. 3 years strong in my relationship now. I don’t even talk to females as I see no point when my girl is everything I want.

Image credits: vakseen

The OP also had some wise words for anyone out there who’s in a relationship but still has a wandering eye. “If [you’re] considering cheating, don’t. Either leave the relationship or communicate with your partner on things that are lacking. Heck, you might find your partner is willing to open the relationship and didn’t know how to bring it up first. But don’t hurt and possibly damage someone’s mentality for the rest of their life just for a little side action.”

#9

I was 18 and it was my freshman year of college and I had recently lost my virginity to my then gf at the time. Went home for thanksgiving and a girl I went to high school with made a move on me and I went along with it.

We didn’t have sex but regardless I felt terrible afterwards and haven’t cheated again since. My ex never found out about it. Lesson learned. Cheating is never worth it.

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#10

Big reason is I have an addiction to sex I’m sure, I find myself asking my fiancee for sex much more than I probably should, and when denied of sex I found I could easily find people online who are looking for hookups near me. I didn’t respect myself or my girlfriend, I was trying to fill an emptiness left by a lack of self worth and motivation in a career or personal relationships with simple sexual satisfaction from random people. This went on for years until just recently I’ve tried to become a faithful and trustworthy person, so that I can live a happy life with the woman I’ve known to love for years now. I’ll probably always hate myself a little for my entire life for what I’ve done to her, but I will always live the rest of my life to provide for her. I’ll always owe my life to her for accepting me and continuing to love me after I hurt her repeatedly.

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#11

Have a friend I’ve known for about 13 years. Nothing ever happened but we always had sexual tension between us even though we live in separate states. We both told each other if the opportunity came we would most likely sleep together after all we both craved it.. any way I flew to her state to visit while I was in a relationship that was on a dead end path and was already on the verge of ending. Everything was fine until I put on a flavored chapstick and she said wanted to try it then leans in a kisses me. I didn’t stop it and of course one thing led to another and we slept together.. looking back I felt bad at first but do I regret it,no. Till this day she was my best sexual experience and she also now engaged so if we didn’t then it never would have happened. Was the first and only time I’ve ever cheated but like I said I don’t regret it

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#12

Honestly, it was the chance of a lifetime. She is the perfect girl, I had loved and chased her on and off since high school, we had been vague acquaintances at best, I doubted she knew my name. One day she messages me out of the blue if I was still living in the city I was living in, that she had some business and that we could meet up. We meet and have an amazing time, there’s some alcohol. She comes back to my house and says she’s had a crush on me since high school as well, we decide to play a drinking game which becomes a taking of clothes game. I’m laying on my bed drunk in my underwear, she’s standing beside the bed naked and says “now what”, and then I just couldn’t contain myself anymore. I have absolutely zero regrets.

Image credits: Ilookbetterthanyou

#13

Because I forgot what a healthy relationship was like.

After 3 years together, my then gf and I kinda ended up in a rut, in hindsight we stayed together longer than we should have. We were living together but had already grown apart too much.

She eventually told me, pretty much in passing, “Hey, btw, just a heads up, *male best friend from college* has expressed that he has feelings for me, but idk if that’s mutual or not yet, so I’ll keep you posted I guess”.

That level of disloyalty and blatant disrespect straight to the face broke something in me. She had managed to shatter every last ounce of self respect I had left after months of dealing with her b******t. Deep down I knew the end was coming and started to pull away.

I went out drinking one night while visiting my parents with some of my high school friends and met a girl I knew vaguely from highschool as well. I didn’t even mean for it to happen, I had brushed of every advance whatsoever since I got serious with my girlfriend, like I should’ve, but after her comment about her friend I just didn’t have the energy anymore.

And man, I had just forgotten what that was like. To have someone actually be excited to see you. To not feel talked down to. To have someone be genuinely interested in what you’re up to and what you have to say. To not have every conversation you have end in a rant about what you’re doing wrong and how you’re useless. To have any form of intimacy that doesn’t feel like a chore that’s just for her benefit.

I’m not proud of what I did, but I won’t regret it for a second either. I know for a fact, with 100% positive, willing to bet my house and life savings levels of certainty, my ex gf would’ve done the exact same, and more, had she been in the same situation.

It felt like a wake up call. We broke up the next day and I honestly felt like I’d been freed. I ended up dating the girl I met that night for 6 months.

I don’t condone cheating, ever. I’m not proud of what I did. I’ve reflected on that time extensively, both by myself and in therapy, and honestly, I did everything I could. I know I wasn’t perfect, but she wasn’t either, and I know for f*****g sure I tried everything I could to make that relationship work out, and it didn’t. I’m not proud of what I did, but I sure as hell don’t regret it either.

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#14

I was young and immature enough to be susceptible to all the pop culture messaging that says being a player makes you “cool”. One night when I was out getting super drunk with my buddy, I met a girl and decided I wanted to be cool.

Woke up the next day feeling awful. Came clean to my girlfriend. I was so impressed by her not leaving me, I decided to propose a few months later.

After several s****y years and a divorce, I’ve learned 2 important lessons: (1) just because someone says the words “I forgive you” doesn’t mean that they actually mean it, and they could still bring up your mistakes years later every time you get in an argument, and (2) just because someone does one really amazing thing (like forgiving you), doesn’t mean you should ignore all the other unrelated problems in your relationship.

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#15

I’m gay. Was with a woman to try and tell myself I wasn’t. Wanted to make my family happy.

I feel terrible for doing it and I still kick myself for not being honest about who I am because I hurt people.

I did it more than once. I feel bad for lying to her and everyone and causing a lot more drama than was necessary.

So yeah. I wasn’t able to be honest with myself which in turn made me a cheater. I’m good now but I still feel bad about what I did. Wasn’t right.

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#16

I was really into partying and she wasn’t. We were both science majors and smart, we both loved running, it was great. But we didn’t have fun together the way I thought we would. A girl I was hooking up with the year before came onto me at a party, I went with it. Much regret.

Never told her and a month later she cheated on me so I broke up with her. I was like 19, shameful.

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#17

I’ll fall on the sword here. You want an honest answer, so here goes:

My wife and I started dating when I was 18. Things were good for a long while, and we had a pretty active sex life. One day, after over 2 years of dating, she felt convicted over us having sex before we were married. I asked, “is our not being married the only thing holding things back from being what they were”, and she said yes. I loved her, so I figured why not take the next step, and I proposed to her that Christmas.

Fast forward to the fall when we finally got married, and nothing changed. On our wedding night, nothing. I figured we were both tired from the wedding and reception, so no big deal. For the first month afterward, nothing. I asked what was wrong and why weren’t we connecting, and she couldn’t give me an answer. This went on for months, and I started looking at p**n more frequently to get a release.

One day she checked my browser history and confronted me on my p**n use. This turned into a confrontation about our lack of a sex life, and her inability to communicate with me what the block was. I tried candles and music. I tried nice dates. I tried massages. Anything my young mind could muster. It all just ended up with her just going to bed. I remember asking her what she expected me to do, since she didn’t want to have sex with me and she didn’t want me looking at p**n (Not trying to justify p**n, but I was getting nowhere with her). In the first 6 months of our young marriage, I think we had sex maybe 1-2 times.

We tried doing counseling at the church we were going to, and we got nowhere with that as well. At this point, I think it was maybe 7-8 months of being married and things still weren’t changing. There was a woman I worked with that I ended up getting closer to because we worked in the same department. I was venting one day out of frustration and she expressed interest (it was a long time ago, so I don’t remember exactly what she said, but it caught my attention). A month or so later, she “jokingly” invited me to her house. I went, and we had sex. I remember feeling bad immediately after. I took the time to muster up the courage and confessed it to my wife.

Naturally, she was devastated, and we took some time apart, but she didn’t want to leave me. We did counseling again, but nothing changed. At that point, I was ready to call it quits, and I told her as such. She ended up having a conversation with a lady at church that changed her mind in a way I couldn’t. We apologized to each other, and she acknowledged how her rejection on a consistent basis almost destroyed our marriage, and I apologized for doing something I knew would hurt her. I truly did love her, but I felt neglected, and because of that, I acted out.

We’ve had a lot of ups and downs, but we’re still married to this day. I’m really grateful to the woman she talked to at church, because whatever she said to my wife made the lightbulb go off. Now that I’m older, sex isn’t nearly the issue it once was, but it almost killed our marriage.

TL:DR: Wife wouldn’t have sex after getting married, and I met someone that would. I tried to get her to come around, but she wouldn’t until I cheated. She chose to stay with me and we worked it out. It’s been 15 years now.

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#18

Lack of emotional maturity and confidence.

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#19

Because I was young and self centered and didn’t really love her.

Btw these don’t excuse cheating but they do describe the reality of my situation as a weak man.

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#20

I got a boyfriend and then girls started noticing me. It was an all round confusing time, and I only added to the chaos.

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#21

My ex had untreated, undiagnosed ADHD. Every day was a crisis from day #1. We had a crisis every day for six years. I was a doormat and sacrificed every single need I had, the very essence of my personality and self esteem.

One day she asked to open up the relationship. Everything went downhill from there.

We are currently in the process of a divorce. I’m working out how to be a better man out of this mess. I don’t wish her ill, and hope we both find peace.

#22

You deal with sexual frustration, lack of affection, fights for months. Then you click with someone it’s just easy, you are actually having fun with someone, you finally enjoy the feeling of affection one thing leads to another and you find yourself having sex with that another person. Am i proud of what i did? No. But its what it is

#23

At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing. Hear me out: my wife had an anxiety disorder which made sex painful. I thought I would get that need met somewhere else to take the pressure off her. I thought I loved her (I did according to what I thought love was at the time) so I didn’t want her to be upset for not meeting my “needs”. I justified it to myself that way for awhile. I learned in the end that we were just unhappy together. Pro tip: don’t get married young or thinking it will solve any problems. We were divorced just under 5 years later. She is remarried and has been for many years. I have had one relationship that lasted 2 months, 12 years ago. I never want to hurt anyone like that ever again, so much so that I’ve avoided relationships.

#24

Because I was 6 months into a sex ban, being verbally and emotionally abused, and she had just cheated for the 3rd time, and blamed me for it.

So I f****d her best mate, and suddenly I was the bad guy.

#25

Depressed and went back to a nostalgic ex whom I was still friends with.

#26

Because we were in a open relationship due to distance (the distance came in the late stages of the relationship) with the only rule being emotional connection.

I was a recovering alcoholic, i started a quit in the time they were away and i thiught they knew that but they didnt.

Anyway that connection formed faster and stronger than it had any right to, but I was vulnerable and stupid I ended things as soon as I realised.

I did it in the wrong way and I was still a mess i realised it shortly after the break up. So I’ve stayed single since, for everyone’s benefit while I sort myself out.

#27

Out of anger, frustration, and stupidity. I miss her every day.

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#28

Because I was immature and still acted like a teenager

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#29

She was withholding sex whenever I said something slightly wrong in her eyes. She would do this for months at a time because one time she asked if she should lose weight and I said you should do what you feel is best

#30

If I’m going to keep being accused of it might as well do it.

#31

I have because after not being touched in a sexual or non-sexual way for 6months, the attention from another person is intoxicating and wanted to be honest.

I think I’m just used for money and quality time as long as any of that time does not involve sex in any way anymore.

I didn’t cheat for sex. I wanted to connect with another human who did want to actually touch me

#32

I was 25, unhappy in the relationship but didn’t want to leave and neither did she. The neighbor kept hinting that she was into me. One thing led to another and well…. To make matters worse I was good friends with the neighbors husband. I lost a friend and my relationship. So f****d up and I take full blame, there was no excuse. I’m 31 now and told myself I’d never do it again. I’d never put myself in a position to cheat again and I haven’t.

#33

Because I was dumb. I was drunk and hooked up with a girl that had been flirting with me for years. It was stupid and I 100% regret it. We were at a bad point in our relationship and it was really bad.

I’ll always regret it. It’s a s****y thing to do to someone but all I can do is move on. I’ve never done it since then 15 or so years later. I remember the guilt and I could never do that to someone again, let alone the mother of my kids.

#34

The first time, I married a girl because I loved her family, not because I loved her. I soon realised my mistake but was too afraid to just up and leave.

The second time was totally unexpected. My marriage was ending and I thought I would go and be on my own, and then I met this absolute Unicorn of a woman and I just couldn’t stop myself, even though I knew it was wrong.

#35

I used to blame the excuse that everyone had cheated on me so it only made sense to do the same first. Later in like I have figured out I didn’t know how to experience love. Didn’t trust anyone. And was dealing with some narcissist behavior after being raised by one. I don’t think it was one thing. I’m sure the conquest and thrill had some to do with it. Thanks reddit it’s not even 7 am on my day off and I’m analyzing my past mistakes

#36

I was unhappy yet horny which fueled a really selfish desire.

#37

Honest answer is that it was all about me and my insecurities. Had nothing to do with her. I wasn’t very attractive to anyone in high school or even college. Huge nerd and all. Barely lost my virginity at the end of college and nobody was into me. Later on in life, I had some professional success and made a bit of money. Obviously it wasn’t real and I should’ve been stronger and smarter, but very attractive women were into me and competing with each other for my attention for the first time in my life. I’d never had the experience of being the cool one at the party, and I didn’t know how to handle it. Yes, I cheated. No, nothing she did brought it on. It wasn’t her fault, and she couldn’t have prevented it in any way. I just had to learn the hard way what really mattered in life. The good news is, she’s my true love, and she stuck by me through it. Now, I’m so devoted to her I couldn’t imagine even considering another woman.

#38

Wanted to try something new. Needless to say, the relationship went bust thereafter.

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#39

The biggest mistake ive ever made, but it was a long distance relationship and I was in college. It was a great girl though, my great white buffalo.

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#40

I was 18 and kissed another girl while drunk. I felt terrible and made my girlfriend (long distance) feel really s****y but she also understood it was more of a lapse than any sort of emotional or really even sexual violation. She was way too cool about it. I’d never want to do it again.

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#41

Alcohol mixed with being wanted by someone beautiful. I know it’s not a good excuse and sure I’m an a*s, but you wanted an honest answer and I’m sure I’m not the only one

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#42

Honestly it just kind of happened. I wasn’t getting any attention from her and when I did it was so toxic that I had to leave my apartment. I meet someone exchanged numbers and it just happened. Left her to be with my girl now and never been happier.

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#43

It was late and I was groggy, she initiated and I was lonely. Rationalized it out as we hadn’t been dating that long and had never actually discussed exclusivity, besides, it was only hand stuff. I was more providing a service.

Older and wiser… for anyone who doesn’t know, cheating is not really about what you do. It’s about whether or not your partner would be upset if they found out and/or if you’re doing something that you’ve talked about not doing. Basically the problem with cheating is lying and sneaking.

If you feel the urge to cheat it’s time to re-evaluate your relationship. At the end of the day you either wanted something bad enough that you were willing to hurt someone you care about or you didn’t care about them at all. Either it’s time to talk.

Image credits: djayd

#44

I’d always loved her, but she married someone else. One day, she was sad and crying and asked for a hug. I hugged her. Then she kissed me, and, well…

But that was a mistake that was not repeated.

#45

I was young( 14-17) and was somewhat a serial cheater, it was more immaturity and a mix of thinking having lots of women at the same time was “cool”(I was really dumb, stilll am but not as before) until I really fell for a chick my longest relationship I didnt cheat on her but she cheated on me with several guys( karma caught up I guess) and the pain made me understand how dumb I was when younger and never did it again

#46

I wasnt getting a physical nor emotional nor verbal connection from my partner. I was giving all I could give and they were giving nothing. After trying for about a month to fix it I realized I was the only one in the ring fighting a losing battle. You know what comes next.

#47

Immaturity, and self centeredness. My wife and I were almost “forced” to be together at the beginning because I got her pregnant while we were broken up. So the first couple years was really tough as I was about 18 and she was 17 when it all happened. We decided to try and make things work, which resulted in incredible toxicity for the first 3-4 years of my kids life. I made many mistakes and one day she got fed up and left me. I had never been closer to suicide in my life, losing my kid, my girl, my Pets. I’ll never forget walking into my once lively and energetic apartment to nothing but quietness and darkness. I screamed into my pillow for hours crying and beating myself up. It caused me to stand up, and do my best to become a better man. After a year of fighting to get her back, We have now been married for 4 years going on 5 and have accomplished so much together. I don’t even get the urge to cheat because the pain of losing my family is far greater than any temptation of pleasure could make worth it. I was blessed that my wife decided to give me a chance and let me show her I will grow. Now I am a multi-business owner, she owns multiple businesses, we have two kids now, and an incredible life to share together. I was very lucky to have that happy ending when many others, rightfully so, will cut it off and never look back.

#48

I broke up with a gal and she said “no”.

Honestly I didn’t know that was possible

I started seeing other people.

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#49

Because my wife would get drunk and beat me

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#50

I’m seeing a whole lot of excuses. “Our relationship was sexless” “it was boring” “we didn’t really connect anymore” “I met someone who was the opposite and got excited I miss her everyday” “I was young” s**t excuse after s**t excuse. Just break up. That’s deada*s all what you needed to do.

#51

Because I didn’t have respect for myself and others. Trying to fill a hole inside that could only be filled with loving myself and maturing.

#52

Because I was done with the relationship and just hadn’t ended it yet. If a guy cheats, he does not care about you. Plain and simple. That will not change.

#53

Because I was a selfish a*****e

#54

Boredom.

#55

They cheated on me, felt like it was only fair.

#56

Teenagers are horny and stupid.

#57

Not me but my closest friend cheated because he had a terrible wife. Terrible conditions of intimacy and love in their relationship. Been taken for granted. And all he did was never enough. So all in all the things many men are going through, unfortunately!

And then there was that girl who came to him when we were on a night out together. She was cute and upfront. Was complimenting him. I saw it in his eyes as he was smiling and feeling good. It was the best he could have done to be honest. He got a flair of what life should be like. Of how he could feel.

I’m glad he divorced later. It has nothing to do with the ONS but it gave him confidence.

#58

Because I’m a piece of s**t. Next question.

#59

Selfish, it didn’t reflect poorly on her, despite how it seems that it would. It was all about me, not her.

#60

Because I was egocentric and loved the conquest, but also wanted to have something steady.

And because sex.